


the gold

by ellixtpage



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Ash Lynx Lives, Character Death, Dancing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Shorter Wong Lives, Soulmates, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:08:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26946445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellixtpage/pseuds/ellixtpage
Summary: "I believed you were crazy, you believed that you loved me."Ash Lynx doesn't do soulmates, but when he looks into Eiji Okumura's big, brown, eyes, he thinks that maybe he does.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 38
Kudos: 121





	the gold

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this entire thing in one sitting!! and cried writing it lol-
> 
> title + quote in summary from 'the gold' by phoebe bridgers, i recommend putting it on loop for extra feels while reading :]
> 
> contains spoilers from canon!! enjoy.

Ever since he was told at twelve years old that soulmates were a thing, Ash Lynx knew that he would never have one.

It was almost comical, actually; him, having a soulmate? Someone who was broken, lost, and couldn't even stand up for himself against any threat, having a soulmate? How would he protect them? How would he love them? How could he possibly be close to somebody, fall in love with them and be by their side every single day, when he didn't even know how to take care of himself? He remembers looking up at Golzine, who had the sickest smirk on his face, and saying, "I don't think I'm going to have a soulmate." And Golzine didn't argue with him, because Ash was right. He wouldn't have a soulmate, and if he did, he'd never meet them.

So, Ash lived through his life believing and convincing himself that a person made from the same stardust as you, having a soulmate, everything about it- was all bullshit. He would stare up at his ceiling at night, tears pooling his eyes, and remind himself that he was unlovable. It didn't matter that he was only twelve. His fate was set in stone from the moment he shot that baseball coach, the moment he was picked up off the streets and taken in by Golzine himself. He gave up on life, and he accepted it.

This thought that he was unlovable made it both easy and harder to get through his life. On the bright side, he never had to worry about anyone leaving him, or betraying him, because he never got close to anyone. He had Shorter, and he had his gang, sure, but he never truly allowed himself to trust people.

It was a routine. Days blended together, fights broke out too often, and Ash kept up the facade that he was cool, calm, and collected. Eventually, he managed to get downtown under control; it was a big achievement. Shorter even congratulated him for it, and Shorter rarely had time to acknowledge him those days, but Ash felt nothing. The hole in his chest wasn't filled by anything he did anymore. He couldn't be fixed, whatever that even meant, he was too broken. 

Until one day, a boy shows up. He's short, shorter than Ash for sure, and has messy, black, hair with bangs that fall over his forehead. He dresses the way Ash imagines a grandma would, and moves with gentle, but clumsy, movements. His demeanor screams innocence, his eyes have a sort of light in them, and he has steady hands, good for taking photos. His English is awful, Ash notices, when he speaks to him for the first time. His voice is soft, even when he's excited.

"Wow, is that a real gun?" And Ash almost scoffs in his face, bites his tongue to make sure he doesn't say 'no, it's a nerf gun,' because when he turns to look at Eiji, any insults get caught in his throat. So instead of speaking, Ash just raises a brow questioningly, and Eiji turns red, shifting uncomfortably. "Oh, sorry, it is just- Real guns are not allowed in Japan." He clears his throat. The bar goes quiet.

Ash stands up, holding his gun carefully in his waistband. "Yeah, it's a real gun," he says, voice deep and soft at the same time. He steps a bit closer to Eiji, who looks extremely intimidated, and maybe even scared, of Ash. He holds the gun out before Eiji can even say anything. "Wanna hold it?"

"May I?" Eiji asks excitedly, and without waiting for an answer, takes the gun and shifts its weight in his hands. "Wow! It is very heavy." He hands it back to Ash. The blonde just blinks at him. He can't find the right words to describe Eiji. He looks like he couldn't hurt a fly. "Thank you for trusting me with it, Ash." The way he says his name in that accent makes Ash's heart skip a beat. He doesn't like it, not one bit.

He puts his defenses back up. "Such a baby," he mutters. Eiji's face falls, frowning.

But before Ash has a chance to get rid of Eiji, to forget the whole ideal, they're both thrown headfirst into the mess that is Ash's life. Eiji is kidnapped, Skipper is nearly shot, and everything suddenly becomes a mess. Ash realizes, after not too long, that no matter where he goes, Eiji won't leave. And he curses his selfish heart for being happy about it. He beats himself up because, strangely, he doesn't want Eiji to leave. Even when he buys him a plane ticket, even when they fight, even when he tries everything he possibly can to make Eiji hate him or leave- he doesn't. Eiji doesn't leave, and for the first time ever, someone in Ash's life doesn't want to. Eiji promised him forever. 

Ash stares at the ceiling one night, a month after Golzine dies, Eiji tucked by his side comfortably. He knows the other man is still awake but doesn't comment on it, just holds him gently against him and hoping he'll doze off eventually. He can't sleep, though, his mind swimming with thoughts. He feels connected to Eiji; he isn't sure why. Maybe it's just because they've known each other for months, been through so much together, that Ash just feels connected to him.

He closes his eyes, visualizing the letter Eiji wrote to him in his head. 'My soul is always with you,' he had written at the end, and Ash remembers staring at it with wide eyes, crying, before he slumped over the table in the library. He cringes thinking about it; he's lucky that a librarian found him and took him to a hospital. He feels the lump of warmth tucked safely next to him, right against the scar where he was stabbed, and feels strangely sad. Where would Eiji be right now without him? He can't imagine a life where he doesn't have him.

Before he knows it, he's crying, and he isn't even sure why. His heart swells. Maybe it's out of happiness, maybe it's because finally, he's okay. Finally, he and Eiji can relax, there's nothing left for Ash to protect him from. They made it out. He sniffles, wiping his eyes, and Eiji sits up, eyeing him worriedly.

"Ash?" He asks, saying his name the same way he did all those months ago with his accent. It makes Ash's heart skip a beat again. He likes the feeling this time. "Aslan, why are you crying?" He asks, thumbing at Ash's soft cheeks to wipe away tears. Ash smiles up at him.

"I don't know," he says truthfully, looking into his eyes, the room illuminated by nothing but the moonlight shining through the window. Their apartment is in the middle of a big city, and the moon still somehow isn't blocked by the other tall buildings. Ash enjoys it. "I think... I think it's because I'm happy, Eiji," he says quietly. Eiji squints at him but then leans back down, laying Ash's head against his chest.

Ash takes in a deep breath, listening and feeling his heartbeat, the faint scent of strawberries and flowers filling his nose. He smiles, wiping his eyes again when they start to itch. "Ash?" Eiji asks, and Ash hums. "You are happy?" Ash nods.

"Yeah," he says, thinking of stardust and soulmates. "Yeah, I think I'm pretty happy right now, Eiji."

Another six months fly by. Ash manages to get a job down at a coffee shop, while Eiji decides to start attending college again in America, getting a part-time job teaching kids Japanese. Max and Jessica opted to move up to New York when they learned Ash would be staying there, practically becoming his parents, and while Ash still called them old and made fun of them, he didn't mind them too much. Michael was growing more and more each day, and Ash finally enjoyed where he was at in his own life.

Yut-Lung and Sing moved in together in some big, fancy, house Yut-Lung bought, which made Ash uneasy, but Sing- who was starting to grow so much, Ash wasn't liking it- reassured him that he'd be fine. They came over sometimes for dinner. Shorter, on the other hand, stayed over so often he practically lived there. He had his own place with his sister, but still always barged in on Ash and Eiji's life. Though they didn't really mind, and Eiji was always happy to have him over.

Ash is sitting at the table on a Sunday morning, reading over a newspaper with a bored expression adorning his face. Skip and Eiji sit down on the couch, Eiji trying to teach Skip Japanese and Skip constantly distracting him. Eiji gives him a sharp look when Skip reaches for Eiji's phone, and the boy puts his hands up in surrender.

"Okay, I taught you how to ask 'how are you' yesterday- do you remember what it is?" Eiji asks patiently. He's amazing with kids, Ash notices, but then again, Skip is hardly like other kids.

Skip shakes his head. "Why the hell would I have remembered it?" Eiji sighs, facepalming. Skip grins, looking at Ash, who rolls his eyes. He's about to turn back to his newspaper when he catches sight of something on Eiji's wrist, the other man's sleeve riding up a bit. He frowns, setting down the newspaper and walking over to the couch.

"Skip, can you leave?" Ash asks bluntly. Skip blinks at him, looking confused, but Ash gives him a look and he quickly stands up and leaves after saying goodbye. Eiji grumbles, tapping his pencil against a paper full of Japanese words Ash doesn't bother trying to translate. He looks up at the blonde, concern painting his features.

"What's wro-"

"What's on your arm?" Ash asks, pointing to his right wrist. He sits down on the couch, heart beating so fast he feels like it might pop out of his chest. Eiji pulls down the sleeve, running his thumb over the skin.

He frowns. "What are you talking about?" Eiji asks. Ash feels his like his heart has stopped.

Numbers. They blur in his vision.

A countdown, to Eiji's death- the one some soulmates have.

'We're soulmates,' Ash realizes quickly, choking on air. He coughs, and Eiji yelps in surprise, resting a hand on his back right away. He looks even more concerned now. Ash continues coughing until his cheeks are dusted pink and his throat feels dry.

"Ash?" Eiji asks, tone rising. "Are you alright?" Ash nods. Eiji looks back at his wrist, looking baffled. "I really don't-"

"I see a countdown," Ash blurts out. Eiji seems to take a moment to register it, but then he does, and his eyes widen and his mouth forms a small 'o.' Ash looks up at him with watery eyes, whether from crying or the coughing, he doesn't know. "Eiji, we- We're soulmates. You and I are soulmates."

Eiji doesn't speak for a long time, just staring into Ash's emerald eyes. Ash feels panic creep into his head. Is Eiji upset about this? What if he doesn't want to be soulmates with him? What if he wants someone who isn't like Ash, someone who isn't so fucked up, someone who has never hurt him before-

Ash doesn't even realize he's gotten lost in thought until Eiji places a hand on his shoulder. "Ash!" He says, not yelling, but definitely not speaking in a level tone. "Ash, please- I... I did not mean to go silent. Just breathe." Ash leans his head against his shoulder, and Eiji wraps an arm around him, not feeling tense like Ash expected.

Finally, after far too long of silence, Ash speaks. It's so quiet Eiji has to strain to hear him. "Are you upset? That I'm your soulmate?" Eiji chokes, trying to reply, but Ash continues before he can. "I won't mind if you are. I know you might not want to be-"

"Stop it!" Eiji yells, and Ash does flinch this time, pulling away quickly and practically scrambling to the other side of the couch. Eiji cringes, closing his eyes. "I am sorry. I-I did not mean to raise my voice, I just- Ash, I would never be upset. I'm happy, okay? I'm glad to have a soulmate as amazing as you." Ash scoots back over a bit reluctantly, back into Eiji's arms- safe. "I am just... Very surprised. To be honest, I did not think I had a soulmate."

Ash frowns, then speaks, breath warm against Eiji's neck. "You? But you're... You're Eiji. Of course the universe would give you a soulmate, you deserve one more than anyone else I can think of in this world."

Eiji shakes his head. "I am the first person in my family to have a soulmate," he says truthfully. "So you... You saw a marking on my wrist, right? A countdown to... My death?" It sounds strange to say out loud. Truthfully, though, Ash didn't get a very good look before, too freaked out about just the prospect of having a soulmate. But he nods. 

"Yeah. I didn't really catch which number, though," he replies.

Eiji hums thoughtfully. "You can check again in a moment. Where is yours, though?" He inspects Ash's arms, but Ash always wears short sleeves and he's never seen it, so it must be somewhere else. "Not in the same place as mine. Um... I do not want to... make you uncomfortable by searching." Ash shrugs hesitantly, so Eiji looks down at his legs, and thank God, there's the countdown on his ankle. "Oh, here! On your right ankle." He stares at the number from an awkward angle.

Ash looks into his eyes. Eiji looks happy. "Tell me. I want to know how long I have left," Ash says anxiously. Does he really? He isn't sure, but he's already asked Eiji, and luckily, he looks ecstatic.

"You have until you are eighty, Ash," Eiji says, tone soft and sweet. Ash feels his own eyes widen- eighty years? Eighty whole years? "This is amazing! Ash, we are going to be together for so long... What does my number say?"

Ash snaps out of his haze. Eighty years is a long time, but if he'll be with Eiji... He doesn't really mind. Eiji holds his arm out, then slowly pulls down the sleeve, looking nervous. Ash shifts his head to look at the number.

He feels his heart drop into his shoes. No, not just drop, he feels it shatter as he reads the 3-digit-number printed onto Eiji's skin.

733 days.

Seven hundred thirty-three days is all Eiji has left to live. That's just barely above two years, Ash realizes, and he suddenly feels his chest tighten and heart crack and pound. He then realizes that Eiji is still sitting there, waiting expectantly. He watches Ash as he reacts, and his happy demeanor changes.

"Ash? Oh, Ash, what does it say? Tell me, is it bad?" Ash looks up into his eyes, and he's gonna tell the truth, at first. He's going to meet Eiji's eyes and tell him 'Eiji, I'm so sorry, you only have two years left.' But when his emerald eyes come into contact with Eiji's chocolate brown ones, the same brown eyes that have such life and hope behind them, he realizes he can't. He can't tell Eiji that his life is going to end in two years, not when it's barely just begun.

It's unfair, Ash realizes painfully. It's so, so, so, unfair.

"You have until you're eighty, too," Ash lies through his teeth. Eiji looks unconvinced, so Ash smirks at him, smile painfully fake. "Ha! I got you before, didn't I? But you really do have eighty." Eiji's shoulders sag, and he lets out a loud breath, looking relieved.

He whacks Ash's head gently. "You silly American! I thought I was going to die in five years the way you were reacting! You scared me!" Another pang hits Ash's chest. Eiji thinks five years is bad, but... He holds back his tears. He can't deal with this. 

Ash lays awake in bed later that night, eyes swimming with tears, and sobs into his pillow when he's certain Eiji is asleep.

Six months pass by quicker than Ash wants them to. The bags under his eyes become so normal, he has to ask Jessica to borrow concealer, which she reluctantly gives to him. Eiji worries about him a lot, constantly waking up and having to comfort him when Ash has another nightmare, these ones about Eiji. About how he'll be dead soon, and about how Ash just let half a year pass them by.

He doesn't tell anyone; how can he, if he can't even tell Eiji? But the occasional concerning glances turn into Shorter trapping him in a corner and begging him to talk to him, or anyone. It turns into Max and Jessica inviting him over at least three times a week for dinner and trying desperately to pry something out of him, but he keeps it to himself, guarding it like some sort of disgusting secret he never wants the world to know. The secret being that, at this time in two years, he will be entirely alone in the world. It's a weight that constantly sits on his chest.

Eiji worries the most, though. He begs Ash to talk to him, holds him tight against him in bed, and tries to bribe him to tell him something, anything, but Ash stays quiet. They fight more and more often, much to Ash's dismay, because he's losing precious time with his soulmate. But he can't bring himself to care. He feels stuck in a cycle of nothing but pain and almost regrets knowing when Eiji will die. 

"Ash," Shorter says one night when it's six in the evening and they're at Max and Jessica's place playing video games in the living room while Jessica puts Michael to bed. Ash is drunk; he knows that much. He's always had a pretty decent tolerance for alcohol, though he definitely doesn't feel very tolerant right now. He turns to Shorter when he says his name, feeling seconds away from passing out. "What's going on with you lately?"

The sober part of Ash's mind feels a bit broken, but Ash still has enough common sense to tense up. "That why you got me drunk?" He asks, speaking as coherently as possible. Shorter shakes his head.

"Drinking was your idea," he reminds Ash, and the blonde realizes that, oh yeah, it was his idea. Jessica seemed glad to pull out the wine. "You never drink. So what's wrong?"

Ash considers it for a moment. If this were any other time, he'd shut down, change the subject, avoid the topic at all costs. But, oh, fuck it, what's Shorter gonna do anyway? He opens his mouth to speak- a rather simple task, actually- but instead, as if a dam breaks, he lets out a sob. He shoves his head in his hands, the air tense. Ash doesn't cry in front of anyone, ever. Even Shorter, who now has no idea what to do.

So he lets Ash cry for a long, long, time, waiting until he's cried enough to fill at least an entire water bottle. Finally, Ash leans against the sofa, and Shorter hands him a tissue box silently. Ash wipes his eyes and nose, and Shorter waits.

"It... It's Eiji," Ash starts carefully. He feels like he cried the alcohol out of him, too, and considers changing his mind on telling Shorter, but he's too deep into this to just act like nothings wrong. Shorter glares at the floor.

"Is he hurting you?" He asks immediately. 

Ash jumps, waving his arms around violently. "No! No, of course not!" He says immediately, huffing a breath. "Eiji would never. He- He's my soulmate." It comes out easier than Ash thought it would. "Yeah, he's my soulmate."

Shorter looks surprised. "Okay, he's your soulmate," he says carefully. "But... Wouldn't you be happy about that?" He questions.

Ash nods, feeling his lip tremble again. "I'm... I was so happy when I first found out," he says. "Like, the moment I knew, I was just so excited. But then I... You know." Shorter shakes his head. "Our soulmate mark- We got... Countdowns."

It seems to finally click in Shorter's mind, who now gives Ash as sympathetic of a look as he can muster, scooting a bit closer to him on the couch. Shorter gives him a stern look. "Ash. Why didn't you tell anyone? And why did you check? You know that countdowns are... Some people never recover from checking."

Just his luck, Jessica enters the room then, carrying a basket of laundry. She practically drops it when she gets a glimpse of the crying eighteen-year-old sitting on her couch, crouching to the ground in front of him like a worried mom. Though, Ash supposes she is. "Why the hell are you crying? What happened?" She asks, still keeping her stern, no-nonsense demeanor, but clearly worried.

Shorter shakes his head when Ash doesn't speak, looking at him. Ash gives him a nod of approval to tell Jessica. "His soulmate is Eiji. And... he checked the countdown."

Jessica takes in a sharp breath. "Ash... What the fuck were you thinking? It's better to- Sometimes it's better to not know, Ash."

Ash covers his head with his hands again, getting sick of crying. "I wasn't thinking. I just thought we'd have forever, you know? After everything we'd been through, I thought maybe the universe would have some fucking kindness."

Nobody moves for a moment, but then Jessica opens her arms, something neither Shorter nor Ash ever expected from the woman. Ash falls forward, burying his head in her shoulder while she rubs his back, the room silent. 

Ash feels empty.

Another six months go by quicker than Ash hoped they would, and before he knows it, December has rolled around. Fall has arrived and still refuses to leave, and there are crunchy leaves scattered on the sidewalks outside, and the sun sets earlier than usual. There's a cold breeze that blows by every time Eiji and Ash walk outside, but Eiji is just happy to have an excuse to wear a scarf.

Jessica practically forces Ash to see a therapist after that night, and after telling Eiji about it, he happily agrees that Ash should go. He refuses to tell Eiji about the countdown, though. Eiji must think it's for other reasons, and Ash allows him to think that. He doesn't want to tell Eiji. The therapist only helps a bit, but he feels a little bit better. Like he can enjoy his time with Eiji more.

They're dancing in the living room on a cool night in December, a song playing from a staticky radio Ash found while cleaning, laughing loudly as they try to avoid tripping over things scattered on the ground. They had dragged all this out to clean, but then Eiji had the genius idea to dance together. They stare into each other's eyes, Eiji stepping on his feet and Ash calling him a clumsy Japanese, but having fun. The way normal people do.

"Ash, are we dating?" Eiji mumbles after a song plays.

Ash freezes for a moment, then keeps dancing. Eiji tenses up in his arms. "Yeah, Eiji. We're dating."

Eiji sucks in a breath, relaxing his muscles and pulling away to look into Ash's eyes. Sometimes Ash doesn't like doing it. Sometimes all he can think about is how soon, he'll look into those eyes for the last time. It hurts.

"Okay," Eiji says, sounding excited, but still whispering.

And then he falls.

Actually, falls is a polite word; Eiji practically collapses to the ground, passing out for a full minute. Ash freaks out, checking his pulse- it's pretty normal- and trying to figure out what to do. Eiji comes to rather quickly, though, groaning, holding his ankle in pain. Ash drops to the floor in front of him immediately, eyes running all over Eiji's body worriedly, inspecting for some sort of injury. "Eiji, are you okay?" He asks, but the other just looks like he's in pain. "Eiji. Hey, talk to me."

Eiji looks up at him, but his eyes suddenly look glassy. "I think my ankle just gave out. No biggie."

"Eiji, maybe you should go to a hospital," Ash suggests gently, and the words pain his heart, make him want to cry on the spot even though he's not even the injured one. He knows Eiji hates hospitals; Ash is in the same boat. But if it's something serious... He pushes away the thought of the countdown. He just wants Eiji to feel comfortable and fine. They'll go to the hospital.

The ride there is silent and the air is tense, and Ash knows Eiji is thinking about how the two of them just wanted to dance, and they can't now, but he doesn't mention it. He doesn't say a word when he catches glimpse of a tear slipping down Eiji's cheek.

Ash's mind turns to autopilot. Waiting, checking in, waiting more, a doctor coming by, Eiji having to go get some tests run. Ash calls Jessica- he isn't sure who else he can talk to- and even though it's well past midnight, she promises her and Max will get there as quickly as they possibly can. An hour goes by; Eiji still has tests done, but now he sits between Jessica and Max, Jessica's protective arm around Ash's shoulders.

Finally, at around two in the morning, after Shorter, Sing, and Yut-Lung somehow also got dragged into the mess and showed up, Eiji comes out into the waiting room wearing hospital scrubs and a tired look on his face. Ash stands up right away, pulling him into a tight hug, and then feels the others join him until they're all in a big, strange, group hug. The doctor stands awkwardly, watching them, tapping a pen against his clipboard. He clears his throat. Jessica glares at him.

Ash and Eiji eventually sit inside a small room, Eiji on the bed and Ash on a chair. He hates how stuffy the hospital is, and prays that maybe Eiji just had a problem with his ankle and this has nothing to do with the countdown. They still have a year! Eiji has to visit the world still, they have to be together as long as they can. Ash crosses his fingers, holding back tears.

"Sorry about the wait. We ran a lot of tests after hearing some... symptoms, from Eiji." Ash looks at his boyfriend, concerned and tired. 

"Symptoms? How did I not notice?" Ash mumbles to himself, feeling even worse.

Eiji would have reached out if he wasn't so exhausted and tired and Ash wasn't on the chair. "Ash, it wasn't- I just hid it well, okay? I didn't want to worry you-"

"What's the diagnosis?" Ash chokes out, interrupting Eiji, staring at his shoes and feeling oceans pool in his eyes. He doesn't think he's ever cried this much in his entire life. 

The doctor seems more than happy to get this over with. "Eiji has something called peripheral vascular disease, often shortened to PVD," the doctor explains. "I'm not sure how he even managed to make it this long without coming in. Now, the disease isn't fatal... If we catch it early on. But Eiji... Well, we'll do whatever we have to do before turning to... other methods."

Ash cries, now, but Eiji does too.

The last night in their apartment is the saddest thing Ash has ever experienced in his life.

That's saying a lot; Ash has been through a lot of pain in his life. It haunts him constantly. But tonight, as he lays in his bed, Eiji tucked against his chest, his warmth dissipated, he feels so disgustingly empty and sad, it causes physical pain. Eiji is crying against him, and Ash knows he is, but he cries too, and he begins to think that he cries more than he does anything else nowadays.

The words of his doctor replay in parts in Ash's head because, after a while, his mind tuned him out. "Eiji will be admitted tomorrow" and "We're sure he'll make a fairly good recovery." Ash stares at that countdown on Eiji's wrist when he accidentally catches a glimpse of it and is reminded of how quickly a life can be taken.

Ash has a nightmare that night, and it's the first time Eiji doesn't wake up to comfort him. Ash doesn't mind. He's deep in sleep after crying himself into slumber. But the air still feels cold and empty without his words and gentle hands. And the blonde doesn't know it, but it's the last time Ash will ever have him in bed next to him.

The next morning comes by quicker than Ash hoped it would. They get up at eight, Eiji packs up some things, and then they're off to the hospital. He gets excused from college for the next three months. Ash doesn't know how well he'll be able to work at the coffee shop knowing he'll be coming home to an empty apartment, but at least he can visit Eiji in the hospital while he gets better.

Eiji has to get admitted by himself, so Ash sits in the waiting for two hours. The air feels cold, and his jacket- Eiji's, actually, he stole it from the closet this morning- rustles as a slight breeze runs by in the hospital. Eventually, a doctor comes out and informs Ash that Eiji is okay, he's asleep, and Ash can visit whenever he'd like.

"Doctor-?" Ash says just before the man turns a corner. He doesn't trust him very much, or maybe he just has trouble trusting adults in general, but what choice does Ash have? He's Eiji's doctor. "Do you think Eiji will be okay? Do you think he'll really get out of here in three months...?" It's been an entire year since Ash learned about the countdown. If Eiji's only here for three months, at least they'll have nine together.

Nine months, Ash realizes. He has to fight not to cry right there on the spot.

"We went over this, Ash," the doctor says gently. "We will do everything in our power to help Eiji. It's up to him whether or not he wants to get better. But if he does, it will most likely take years before he's cured." Ash stares at his red shoes. "I think he'll make it through, Ash. You'll see."

Ash prays he will.

Three months go by. Eiji gets worse.

Ash finds himself smoking cigarettes and getting into trouble on the streets more than he finds himself eating or sleeping. He stares at his ceiling at night, empty, alone, cold, feeling like the world has turned against him entirely. His friends, as well as Jessica and Max, become so concerned, they even invite him to stay with them. Ash is forced to accept when the memories of the apartment become too much.

He visits Eiji as often as possible, and he's lucky his coworker at work covers for him when he asks to leave early. He remembers the doctor telling Eiji that he was a bit too far along, and it would take more time, but he could make it through. Ash stared helplessly at him sometimes, watching his glazed-over eyes and broken spirit, and feeling useless. But Eiji always smiled, even when he felt sick, hooked up to monitors, absolutely broken. Ash stayed strong.

The countdown was still something Ash refused to tell Eiji about, but he knew Eiji had figured out most of it already. He didn't have eighty years. But Eiji still held onto the hope that maybe he had more.

"I know that you lied to me before, Aslan," he had said one night, leaning against the bed's headboard tiredly. The moon shone through the window outside, and Ash remembers a simpler time, where he lied in bed with warmth at his side and happiness in his heart. "But I want you to know it is okay. I can understand why you would lie. I just hope... I just hope I have at least five more years. Just a couple more to spend by your side." And then he had reached out to take Ash's hand, and when Ash went to Jessica and Max's house that night, he cried himself to sleep.

Exactly one month later, Ash wakes up to the sound of a heart monitor going crazy- Eiji's- and quickly bursts out of the room, grabbing the nearest nurse and practically screaming in her face. He stands in the corner feeling like he's in a fever dream as multiple doctors and nurses try to wake up Eiji, help him. His wrist is upturned. Ash stares at the countdown, at the eight months they have left, and reassures himself Eiji will be okay.

A heart attack, he learns a couple of hours later, followed by a seizure. Eiji almost didn't make it, but he did, which doesn't actually make Ash feel much better even though it's supposed to. He sits in that disgustingly cheap hospital chair by Eiji's bed, carding his cold fingers through his hair, tears running down his face in streams, clothes not changed for over three days. He refuses to leave the hospital anymore. Jessica brings him everything he needs, forces him to take care of himself, and if she can't, it's a different friend.

Sing, Shorter, Yut-Lung, Jessica, and Max visit as often as they can, but after his heart attack, Eiji doesn't wake up for a long time. They stand around the bed in silence, watching him. Hoping he'll be able to have as painless a life as possible for the rest of his time. When Eiji finally does wake up, about two weeks after his heart attack, he smiles at Ash.

Ash never forgets that smile. Full of pain, but also hopefulness. A smile that says 'maybe I'll make it through five more years,' one that says 'even though I can't talk much, I'm here.' Ash used to look away sometimes when Eiji smiled because sometimes it hurt knowing that smile would be gone soon. But now, he can't bear to look away, even though it's painful. He just focuses on Eiji's beauty. The present moment.

He listens to Eiji's stories, he lets him have time with his family when they come down to visit for a week, and he waits as a month goes by, then another, and then another two, all while the team at the hospital desperately try to figure out why Eiji is different, why he can't recover. Eiji looks pained every day. He stops speaking after a while, saying it hurts his throat too much sometimes. Ash instead decides to remember his voice in his head. Commit it to memory. He scrolls through videos he took with Eiji during those first few months they lived together, listens to his voice and his laugh at night, and tries to pretend he isn't losing his lifeline.

The days blend together, Ash notices, the same way they did before he met Eiji. Another month. He and Eiji half-sleep in the same hospital bed, but it's more Ash's head resting on the bed and the rest of his body sitting on the chair. The doctors still don't find a diagnosis; a mix of PVD but something else they haven't been able to figure out, and it infuriates Ash, but there's nothing he can do about it.

"Ash," Eiji says one day, and his voice is so quiet and cracked, Ash might have mistaken it for a groan if it weren't for the distinct way Ash's name rolls off Eiji's tongue. "You... Need to tell me... Something." He coughs. Ash puts a small glass of water to his lips, and Eiji accepts it gratefully, the liquid washing down his throat. When Eiji touches Ash's hand, it's freezing cold. Ash doesn't pull away.

"Anything," Ash whispers, his own voice sounding foreign to himself. 

"When... Am I going to die?" Eiji asks, and he looks up at Ash with those big, chocolate brown eyes, and a small, pained, smile. Ash returns it. "Because I thought... Maybe, we could be together, until we were eighty... But I've realized... I don't need that..." His voice is a whisper. "I spent... time, with you. And I realized. I do not have to turn eighty... to have truly lived and loved."

Ash feels a tear slip down his cheek. He doesn't move at all to wipe it. "Eiji, I don't know if I should really tell-"

"Please?" Eiji asks, and he takes in a shuddering breath, letting go of Ash's hand and wrapping his arms around himself. "It does not matter if it's five years... or five days... I have accepted what may happen."

And it hurts, it hurts so bad to hear Eiji say those words, and even after everything, Ash feels like his heart is being stabbed again. Eiji has accepted that he might die. Ash sobs into the air. He sees Eiji stare at him with broken eyes. The light in them is gone. Ash reaches forward and takes his boney wrist, lifting the sleeve of the three jackets he's currently wearing to see 122 days.

So he says it: "122 days. Four months, Eiji." Eiji's mouth widens slightly, but then closes, and Eiji smiles. He closes his eyes, a tear slipping out of them.

"Ash," he says. "I think you have taught me what it means to be alive."

Ash feels hollow again.

He loses track of time, eventually. It's expected. A month, then another, and now, Eiji sleeps more than he is awake and is so tiny Ash doesn't know if he's looking at a skeleton or an ex-athlete when he walks into the hospital room. The doctor comes in on one particular day and takes Ash outside, making sure Eiji doesn't hear. Ash leans against the wall. He's exhausted.

"Ash, we think surgery may be the best option for Eiji," the doctor explains. Ash is barely listening. "His left leg, in particular, is where all of the damage is at, so we've decided that... Amputating the limb will be his best chance at survival."

He nods slowly, looking at the doctor. Eiji barely has sixty days left. "And when will the surgery be?" He asks.

"Two months," the doctor says. "About sixty days exactly. Here, I'll write down the information for you..." Ash tunes him out. He got good at that a long time ago. 

So the surgery is what... Ash can't bear to finish the thought. He waits until the doctor finishes speaking, then takes the sticky note with information on it, walking back into the room. Eiji is awake and musters a half-smile when Ash walks in.

"What did he... What'd he want?"

Ash doesn't respond. Eiji falls asleep before he can ask again.

The night before the surgery, Ash and Eiji decide to stay up all night. They talk, they kiss, they have a mini party (as good as a party can be when one person is bedridden), and do everything they can think of. Eiji manages to dance a little bit in bed, and Ash even laughs when they do it together. They pretend tomorrow won't happen.

But then 6 am comes, and Ash looks at the number on Eiji's wrist and sees that it's at zero. He runs his finger over the skin, but he doesn't cry. He just lets his fingers hover there on his wrist.

"Do you remember... the day we met?" Eiji asks suddenly, just as the sun is rising. He doesn't look exhausted like Ash thought he would. The sunrise is visible from where they are, window bright and open. 

Ash nods, cheek resting on top of Eiji's head. "I remember it very well. Why?"

"You called me... A baby..." Eiji laughs. It sounds painful, but Ash doesn't let it bother him. "Do you still think... I'm a baby...?"

The answer comes easily and immediately. "No. You're braver than me," Ash reassures. Eiji hums against his shoulder. Ash runs his fingers through his black hair. He still smells like strawberries and flowers. He showered yesterday, just to get ready for the surgery. "Eiji, I just realized I never told you... I love you." The room is quiet. Ash sighs. "So, I love you. I... I wish I said it more often." His voice breaks.

Ash waits for a reply. It doesn't come, and after a minute, he frowns.

"Eiji...?" He asks, tapping his shoulder lightly. He feels his heart speed up fearfully. "No. No, no, no, no, no, Eiji- Eiji!" He yells, trying to gently shake him. He places two fingers against his neck. Nothing. Ash feels tears fill his eyes. "Eiji, please. I didn't get to say goodbye, I didn't get to... Eiji... Eiji, please wake up. Let me... Just... Eiji...?" 

Ash picks up his arm. The zero on Eiji's wrist turns golden before disappearing.

It takes a long time for Ash to leave the room, but after three hours, Jessica has coaxed him into the backseat of her car. Shorter sits in the backseat, too, just there for company. He doesn't say anything to Ash, but even under Shorter's sunglasses, Ash can tell he's been crying. He stays quiet the entire ride to Jessica's home.

When they enter the kitchen, Shorter goes right to the bathroom. Jessica sits Ash down on the couch, leaning against it, not speaking and not forcing Ash to speak.

"Jessica-?" Ash says, then chokes on a sob. Jessica looks at him. "He died. Right against my shoulder." The older woman doesn't move, letting him finish. "He didn't know I love him," Ash cries. "He didn't hear me when I said I love him. He'll never know, Jessica. I love him."

She pulls him into a side-hug, and he simply trembles slightly against her, squeezing tears out of his eyes. He feels like he's already cried everything out of him.

He doesn't know how long passes. It could be five minutes, it could be an hour. Ash doesn't feel like moving.

"Oh, Ash," Jessica says, and it's then that he realizes she's crying, too.

Dancing in the living room to a broken radio. Strawberries and flowers. Teaching Skip Japanese on a Sunday morning. Watching the sunrise from a hospital window.

"Stay by my side. It doesn't have to be forever."

"Forever."

Ash felt alive.

"He knew you loved him."

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed even though this was sad :') feel free to leave a comment i love getting feedback!
> 
> here is my [twitter](https://twitter.com/veeinnit?s=21) as well :)


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